I’m not sure where along the line of the journey to becoming spiritual, the idea came that you must not feel anger, sadness or lack. Nor do I understand why it isn’t spiritual to make money (but that’s an entirely different post).
The last few months have been some of the most difficult of my life. Bizarre twists and turns that are the stuff Lifetime movies are about. When you leave a marriage, for whatever reason, you question everything.
Will I want to remarry?
Will I want more kids?
How will I afford insurance on my own?
What if he never chooses to become healthy enough to co-parent?
How can I make it through my friends wedding with a smile on my face?
Why am I sad? Happy? Angry?
Will I ever feel emotionally safe again?
Did I make the right choice, today? Yesterday? Ever?
Will I make it?
I’m discovering the answers to many of those questions daily. But here’s the one thing I know for sure: You are “allowed” to feel however you want, whenever you want.
I am allowed bliss.
What a strange concept. To think that I wouldn’t be allowed joy after a divorce. But so much of the good, loving Christian girl that I am questioned that in the beginning and occasionally I struggle with it even now. I even went so far as to ask my minister (who gave bundles of permission for happiness) and then prayed to Ganesha to remove that mindset. I’m releasing the guilt I feel over my joy because there is no room for it in my heart.
Of course I’m allowed joy. And lately there has been an abundance of it. I am slowly starting to feel emotionally safe, stable and loved again. I’m allowing deep, internal smiles to creep back into my heart without the guilt that so often surrounds it. When you leave someone who is an addict, deep down you know they are in the throes of disease and that their dis-ease is a piece of your sorrow, a piece of your world. Their addiction isn’t your choice, but it is a part of your journey and how you choose to move forward is your choice in that journey. I am choosing to walk a path of joy as I move forward and thrive in this new life I’m creating. A life with toddler kisses, love, new friendships, OMazing programs and even a few chickens and puppies! I get to create and feel all the feelings I so choose.
I am releasing guilt, allowing for anger when it arises, saying a quick hello and even faster goodbye to fear ….but I am embracing all of it as I give myself permission for happiness.
While we’re here I’ll give YOU permission to feel all your feelings as well (especially the bliss).
You’re allowed to smile and laugh when a loved one passes. Not for the glee that they have left this earth, but for the joy that they bought you while they were here.
You can laugh during your best friend’s chemo treatments while you hold her hand. At her jokes. Or the patient next to her who was a Scrabble champion for 10 years and brought you the knowledge that there are no two letter C-words. Or because a therapy dog jumped on her lap. Or because blood transfusions really do look like jello sometimes.
You can be furious at your sister for not attending your destination wedding in Aruba because she is afraid of Zika, while also being elated that she just announced her pregnancy. You’re getting two new family members. Allow for the frustration, anger and bubbling butterflies that come with family, weddings and babies.
You can cry at your friends bridal shower because everyone is comparing wedding rings and you just donated your wedding dress to someone in need.
You can be furious when you find out yet another lie during your divorce. But also feel extreme joy when you receive flowers from the one who is softening your soul and reminding you that you deserve so much more than you ever believed.
You can be embarrassed because you made a mistake at work in front of your boss. Beat red, sweating with the fear of being fired. And then moments later when you know you’ve been forgiven, you can laugh wholeheartedly at his dad jokes and mean every inch of that belly laughter.
You can cry, laugh, smile, swell with pride or anger, find fury buried deep inside you heart that you didn’t know existed, allow for every emotion… even the ones you didn’t know were ever there and especially for the emotions that surprise you.
Today, I give you full permission to feel. Feel the anger. Feel the sorrow. Feel the happiness. Feel the guilt. And then release what doesn’t serve your soul. Hold on to whatever makes you smile from the liver. And walk forward shining that internal smile to everyone around you.
Sending you oodles of love, light, FEELINGS & yogalove.
Namaste
Jenny