I’ll start this blog with a disclosure. For the first time in a long time I feel like I am slowly coming unhinged; in both beautiful and terrifying ways. This is written in present time with a ton of heartache & grief and that is reflected in my words. However I am grounded enough to realize this isn’t the end and know the light will come back eventually.
Today however, my heart hurts. It’s been a long few years. I have been cheated on by three men in five years. And here’s the thing, I have heard every excuse in the book and no longer have time for excuses.
I am coming undone at the seams if we are being honest. If you look at me the wrong way; I’ll cry. If we could hug I would fall apart. If the wind blows too intensely, I am liable to shatter. I am not okay.
Trusting in God, the universe, timing…it’s all too much right now. I have faith. It’s somewhere hidden deep within me. I’ll be the one in the front pew at church as I search for it every Sunday and in meditation every morning as I reach to the heavens. But it isn’t easy.
In an apology letter I received this: “Know that your hurt has purpose and that your love showed me the clearest mirror I have ever looked at.” And while the healer part of my heart is grateful to have made a difference; my actual heart is shattered and broken to the point of dust. Trust felt real. Trust and true love was in my grasp. It felt as though I held my bunny too tightly and apparently strangled him to death with my love because he strayed from my heart and our path in a way that cut me to my core.
This is a reminder.
When you’re on the cutting room floor.
When you’re at the bottom of the barrel.
When you’re searching for idioms in the back of your heart and your mind to find some kind of way to express the deep chasm that’s been created.
The light will come back. Even if you don’t want it to today. Even if you’re content in the darkness and the weighted blankets. Even if you dread feeling hope once more.
It will come.
She will come back to you when you least expect it. In the moments you’re on the phone for a cousin chat. When you see your sons face as he hugs his best friend. When you finally hold your person. When you have an unexpected moment of laughter in a book that you’re reading in order to escape your own feelings.
Hope will come back. The light will come back. The moon and the sun and the stars will come streaming into your life when you least expect it.
And yes, even love will waltz home too.
But for tonight my love, know I love you and I’m hurting too. Know we will survive as we always do. And someday in the future, we will look back at all the pain on this path and say thank you for the trials that paved a jagged path to the love I hold in my heart right now.