The Fat Journal

I have been trying to write this article for you for a few weeks now, but did not know how to begin. So here goes nothing: I used to have a hate journal.
There is no way to write that without it sounded quite as retched as it actually was, but it’s out there: I had a hate journal. The hate journal was dedicated to me and how much I hated myself. It was horrific. I thought, at the time, that it was a normal thing to have and that many people abused their bodies in the way I did.
I wrote terribly mean things to myself in BIG BOLD BLACK letters. You will be alone FOREVERNO ONE likes you, fat bitch… and so on and so forth. Thinking about it now gives me a stomach ache. I was constantly on a diet and failing miserably at it. I would cry because I didn’t know how to make myself throw up and I loved food too much to stop eating it. I didn’t have to many friends in the middle of my college years and in that time I sunk into a terrible depression. My mind warped me into believing I would be alone forever, I would never be loved and I was FAT. (The picture below is a picture of me at the time…)
My friend Ashley, myself, Justine & my friend Crystal (in 2007)


Of course, none of this was or is true. It took me a long time, but with the support of amazing friends and a re-dedication to myself, I began to see love. I remember specifically begin on a trip with a group of leaders as I was crawling out of my depressive state and I started skipping through San Fransisco screaming: “I hate being sad. Let’s just always find love & be happy.” It was the first time in over a year I think I had seen the sun for what it was: a beautiful ball of energy allowing us to live beautiful and strong lives.
My good friend Crystal told me I needed to burn the journal and I did. My friend Richie held my hand without ever knowing my truest deepest pain but knowing I needed a real friend. My friend Leisl introduced me to leadership roles on campus and I was suddenly surrounded with bountiful energy and people I loved who loved me in return.
It was less than a year later that I discovered yoga and although I did not yet know the benefits, I knew something was happening and I was transforming. I did not know what Ahimsa was, nor did I know how to create self-love but I slowly put myself on that path and am ever grateful for finding its ways.
I want to tell you something: you are loved. You may not know it yet, but you are loved JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. Accept the love, accept the help and let joy into your heart. It may not be tomorrow, but by viewing yourself with self-love and joy, you will slowly become joyful once more and learn to appreciate who YOU are.
I also want to share this video with you. Please, please, please watch it. It shows the vulnerabilities of a beautiful model who tells us that beauty isn’t everything. There is so much beauty within and we need to tap into that power as well. Love with your whole heart and remember that you are not alone. MANY of us have been on this journey as well and I hope to share as much joy, love, laughter & yoga with you as I am able.
Sending you all so much love & light.
Get out there – do yoga & make life sparkle!

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