Recently I stumbled onto the world’s best therapist. I am so grateful for her guidance, but mostly I’m grateful she is so in tune with her spiritual side that she allows me to dig deeper into my own spirituality and yoga practice every time we meet. The first time I met her I opened the door to see a large sparkling amethyst seated on a table in front of the couch I would sit upon, and as we sat surrounded by crystals and gentle mantras being hummed in the background, she placed a pyramid over my head for sound healing as she reminded me to take a few deep breaths. I had known her for five minutes.
It’s important to have people in your corner. Always, but especially when you’re going through crisis (and even more especially when you start to emerge from the cocoon). Bizarrely I need more help now then I did when I was in full crisis mode. I need more help ALLOWING myself to be happy. Because that’s the hardest part.
You leave an unsafe space. You create a new world full of possibility and love. You open to the idea that your world can look fresh and new and fun. You open to creation.
But inside you’re still scared. Afraid that one day you’ll wake up to the exact same mess you left. Afraid of what it means to commit again after years of deep, spiritual connection that was ultimately one sided. Nervous with every step I take as a parent because there is no handbook to being a parent, and especially no handbook for single moms who left an addicted and abusive home.
But my therapist is an amazing, incredible beam of light who frequently reminds me that I’m good enough and I’m making all the right choices. Even and especially the choices I make in joy.
This week brings about an intense anniversary. One I will never celebrate nor mourn, and one that I hope in time will fade back to being my favorite holiday. As such, my therapist suggested I do a releasing ceremony this week to let go of the trauma. Being the yogi I am, all I needed was the words “ritual” and I knew instinctively where to go and what to do.
I walked to the beach at sunset and watched the sun fade behind the trees. I knew I would be lighting my words on fire and tossing them into the lake. I want to romantically tell you that I was alone and it was a bug free evening. But alas I was with my 15 year old cousin, covered in bugs and wearing his towel and my sweatshirt for protection.
I wrote my releasing statements:
I am letting go of my marriage and all that surrounds its ending.
I am releasing the trauma of last summer.
I am letting go of all negativity surrounding me.
And then I wrote my intentions:
Love & Abundance
You are worthy of all the goodness, love and financial abundance that are on the way to you.
You are worthy of the one who makes you laugh.
You are worthy of every single person in your life who helps lift you: spiritually, emotionally, lovingly, financially.
I light them on fire and allowed my ashes to float into the lake. Not very gracefully, but allowing it to be what it was while laughing and teaching my cousin about rituals and ceremonies.
I’m reminding you today that there will always be intense anniversaries if you love an addict. Anniversaries of the first time they hurt you, the day your family or friends knew you were in criss, the wedding they partied a little too hard at, the night of their first DUI, the night your son survived but his friend did not, the afternoon you brought your wife to the emergency room or the day you received the worst phone call of your life. These mini or major traumas make up our world, no matter if we are in the thick of loving them, mourning their passing or moving forward without them.
I’m also reminding you :
You are stronger than you’ll ever know.
You are WORTHY of love. You deserve love. You are love.
You are brave. No matter where you are in the process of loving your addict.
You have nothing to be forgiven for by loving them.
You have nothing to be forgiven for by leaving them.
You are allowed to love someone and move on while keeping them in your prayers.
You are allowed to love someone and move on without keeping them in your prayers.
You are love. You are worthy. You are brave. You are more than enough.
Because sometimes it’s our therapist while other days it’s a single mom yoga blogger who is reminding you of your bravery and strength. Take your strength and your love with you as you move forward in this life. Take your light and continue to be the beacon of hope for others. Or hold my hand and watch my light until you’re ready to shine from within again. I promise the light will return. I promise you’re stronger than you know. I promise I’ll always be here with you on this journey as we hold hands either in person or via the written word.
Today, give yourself permission to release something or someone who no longer serves you. It doesn’t have to be a fancy ritual on the beach with your mandala blanket, surrounded by your favorite crystals. It could be five minutes of writing as you hide underneath a beach towel. Or a moment alone in the bathroom as you scribble in your journal. Whatever it is; write it down and let it go.
You deserve the opportunity to release in order to make room for something so much better to enter your world.
Release shame, receive love. Release anger, receive love. Release pain, receive love. Release trauma, receive love.
Sending you all an abundance of love, joy and laughter
Namaste
Jenny