My triggers come in waves. Odd moments when they pop up and I can hear his voice in the back of my head; the same voice that latched on to my prior insecurities and the one that dove deep into my weaknesses. This weekend all I could hear on repeat was: “you’re not enough.”
You are not enough. You will never be enough. You are going to be alone forever. You can pretend you’re fine with being single and tell the whole world you’re enjoying this time alone, but you know you’re miserable and destined to be alone forever. Who would want someone like you: you are damaged goods.
You are not enough. You’ll never be enough. You are going to be stuck in this same financial bracket forever. You can pretend you’re fine with owning a small business and tell the world this is the beauty of community (you mean that part). But deep down you have further you want to go and you’ll never make it. You think you’ll write and publish a book? Ya. Right.
You are not enough. You’ll never be enough. You are going to be the mom at preschool who is undone by a 2 foot tall three year old girl who points at our family picture on day three and asks: “where is his daddy?” as I stumble through an awkward answer and say “well, I’m here.”
It was on repeat. From the moment I woke up on Saturday morning until now and it’s still there.
Here’s the thing: I’m human.
As a teacher in the community, it’s hard for me to feel my feelings beyond gratitude and joy. I experience a full range of emotions beyond that and know it’s perfectly normal to feel anger and sadness. In the last two years alone, I have felt those two feelings very deeply in many different ways. But to say out loud (especially as a teacher of empowerment), “today I doubt myself” can be very tricky. I know the tools. I’m practicing them. But I am also honoring where I am today, in this moment.
When you feel the doubt creep into your heart, I want you to do these three things.
Stop. Drop. Listen. Listen to your heartbeat. Listen to the wind. Listen to your feelings and emotions. Actually listen to what’s happening inside.
Feel your feelings. All of them. Cry. Rage. Scream. Go boxing. Swim. Workout. Dance. Cry until you’re laughing from how ridiculous you look and feel. Let. It. Go.
Breathe. You won’t necessarily feel better right away. In fact you might feel a little bit worse knowing the feelings are out there and acknowledging how you feel. But in time, you’ll get better. With yoga, EFT, reiki, crystals, love, swimming, boxing, walking, water (water, water) or whatever other tools make you feel whole. For this moment, breathe.
And then even if it’s just a spark of hope, I want you to latch onto it. I want you to say: I believe in love over fear, I believe I am supported.
Because you are. And so am I.
And I promise we are all more than enough.